Don’t tell me (or Taylor Swift) that “you’ll be fine” and other tips for holding vulnerability

Ok. I’m a Swiftie. That cat was never in the bag.

Taylor’s new album, Midnights, is out. And the lead single is Anti-Hero. Along with 1,325,982 remixes. Ok, I’m exaggerating. But she’s going all willow on us.

I love one of the remixes featuring Bleachers. A few days ago, the verse, “Taylor, you’ll be fine”, from that song was trending on Twitter.

Basically, Taylor is talking about her insecurities like feeling like a narcissist. And Jack Antonoff responds “Taylor, you’ll be fine”. Adding “For the last time!” at the end of the verse.

I noticed some fans interpret it as a Jack Antonoff having Taylor’s back and reminding her that it will all work out. Lots of “cute” and “aww”, cheering their friendship.

I have different thoughts. 🤣🙈

I HATE when my friends and family say shit like “don’t worry” or “you’ll be fine” when I am being vulnerable.

Being vulnerable about our emotions is hard and risky — that’s why it’s called being vulnerable! It’s why we pause, stutter, choke. It’s why we run away from it. It’s why we divert attention by laughing.

I find being vulnerable with others extremely hard AND very important for meaningful connection. Despite being conditioned not to, I try to practice sharing “I’m feeling sad”, “I’m feeling scared”, etc. with those whom I love.

While a part of my brain — the logical part — obviously knows things will be okay given x, y, or z, it doesn’t negate the fact that I am feeling sad, scared, anxious, nervous, etc. When I’m sharing something so vulnerable, I’m looking for connection, safety, and understanding. I’m not looking for others to be a magician and solve my problems. I’m looking to be held. I’m looking for the listener to meet me where I am and hold me.

In a way, someone telling me all will be good or don’t worry, or here are 10 reasons not to worry, almost adds fuel to the part of me that wants to run away from my own emotions and deny the credibility of those emotions, instead of understanding and accepting them.

So, here’s what I do: I often tell friends/family what I need in a moment when being vulnerable. “Hey, this is hard for me. Can you just hold me? Can you affirm me? Can you ask me questions to explore this?”

And I bet Taylor gets this ALL the time when she shares her worries, concerns, and sadness. “Omg, Taylor. You’re so rich. You’re so talented. You’re so beautiful. You’re so popular. Taylor, you’ll be fine.” And I can’t imagine how lonely and discouraging that must feel.

As a listener, practice holding vulnerability when someone is sharing. As a sharer, ask for the support you need before you get vulnerable with someone.

Here’s a tip my friend, Nadiya Brock at Essential Partners, shared recently on listening effectively.

“After more arguments than I’d like to admit, I have found it useful to pause and ask: ‘Before you go on, how do you like me to listen?’”

— Nadiya Brock

It’s such a simple yet powerful question that can shape our conversation, experience, and relationship.

And here’s another tip. This one is from me. Before sharing something vulnerable with another person, you can ask yourself Nadiya’s question. What do I need from the listener at the moment? Hold space? Just listen? Confirm that I’m not going crazy? Explore this with me? Share solutions? If you have the emotional resources, prepare the listener in advance.

Try it!

P.S. If you haven’t already, jam to Anti-Hero feat. Bleachers: